1st
2dae while crossing e road, watchin e cars jus pass by, i suddenly felt tis strong urge to step in front of one of dem...i shan't describe e consequences if i had done so...tinkin bk on it wat freaked me out was e fact tat i cld still walk home not feel freaked out tat e tot of causing my own death actually crossed my mind...i'm tired...dunno y but i feel tired, spirtually and emotionally tired...i feel more emotions den e normal person n i've yet to figure out if tis is a blessing or a curse...sometimes i wonder wat it feels like not to feel, to ignore e whole world, or rather e whole world can just continue on and i wouldn't feel anythin, 2 not be concerned, 2 not care...being emotionally weak is tiring me out, becoz sometimes e issues i bother myself with, i dun even noe if they reali exist, yet at e same time i rarely can put it down...i wonder all e time how it'd be like...to not feel pain, to not feel anguish, anger, remorse, disappointment...but it seems that these are wat i've been feelin, how come happiness doesn't last? if life is suppose to be so gd, how come happiness jus doesn't seem to last? how come happy times can't be used to mask and block out sadness? i'm not sure if i want it to come to an end, but i'm tired of guessing, tired of anticipatin and onli to be let down...how much longer can i last?
hmmm dun worry jus a rant...i won't kill myself jus coz i'm tired...
*OUT*
aLiSoN
posted by alison @ 4:25 AM
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